Egads! It has been a year and one day since I last posted to this blog. Life continues to be weird and confusing - full of triumphs and defeats - but I am enthusiastic about the prospect of the future. In comparison to most of this past year, I am currently more grounded, happy and my bangs look fantastic. I woke up this morning consumed with thoughts about Bladerunner (watched the 25th Anniversary release last night - I thought 6 replicants escaped. Do they count Rachel? What the... what now?) but also about this blog (after legit not thinking about it at all for a year) and low and behold... I logged in I saw that I was a day late and so really I am not sure why I am mentioning it at all. Except as a way to say hello, I missed you (all 5 of you who read this) and I am very glad to be back : ).
So where were we... oh yes, my hilarious musings on dating! So now I am 40 (sweet) and I have been on a lot of dates in the past year. Some were kinda cringtastic (sitting in a car in silence listening to The Wall in the parking lot of the 7-11 with a guy who was living in his parent's shed. I really kinda wish I was making that one up). Some were super fun (seeing the Pixies and getting kicked out of a bar (not our fault!) with a 29 year old Turkish composer). Most were tragically in this sort of middle ground/ no man's land of dating. Dates with nice guys who I had some fun with, could talk to a little, but with whom I didn't connect exceptionally well (for no reason, of course, except my own failings as a person, clearly). This last category is, I fear, the most treacherous (much more so than the actual awful "wolfy" dates that inspired this blog) because for some reason these mediocre dates consistently inspire the "running back to the most recent person" thing that is almost certainly a recipe for disillusionment and heart hardening (and there is no place for that here. No place I tell you! Sorry Pat). Just pain, pretending and pathos - so, you know, don't do that if you can help it.
I could not say what has changed exactly (I have some ideas, but no real evidence) but all of a sudden there are all these nice, cool, interesting men in my life. There is some wining (or beering or bourboning if you want to be a stickler) and some dining (if olives and bread count?) and movies (on iPhones in the corners of pubs one time because... creative!) and flowers (ok, it was only 3 flowers but I was still charmed) and lots of unsolicited texts and emails ("Good morning sunshine" - like, who are you writing to? Can boys really say nice things like that? What's the angle...). I am not picking out white dresses or knitting baby booties quite yet - I'm not even sure I want that. I don't know... perspective is weird and I guess my point is, when you are upside down for so long it takes a minute before you realize the bubbles are going the other way. Like "aw man... I thought I was swimming towards the surface but I was totally not doing that (not even a little bit). No wonder I was feeling so nauseated and dizzy all time." Also it is nice to go on dates with boys who are affectionate and communicative and honest (all in their own weird ways) and sometimes miss me when we aren't together (and tell me that). I am maybe surprised a little that I like that as much as I do (there is so much less sarcasm than I expected. I mean, of course - who am I kidding - there is still a lot of sarcasm, but also an actual little bit of sincerity too. Real moments that remind me that we are actual people and that it is actually happening and that it matters). Is this what dating is like for other people all the time? Is this happening because of my bangs... or are my bangs happening because of this? I'm asking the big questions (watch out) : ).
In all seriousness (well, I mean, kinda) and at the risk of sounding like there is hope for us all in the barren wasteland of emotional needs amidst this dangerous dearth of self awareness - I might be turning into a successful dater. I am not having delusions of grandeur or anything (never fear, gentle reader). I still get the sads and think about people who don't think about me and still don't know if I could ever fall in love and the idea of intimacy and sharing actual "feelings feelings" remains terrifying and confounding - but I want to try. I find myself less looking for fault in these men but also am much more ready to let things go when they are not right. I am trusting my instincts and doing my best to recognize when I am behaving like a narcissistic jerk and when I need to stand up for myself. I wonder if it's odd that I have to do both of those things, maybe not so different from everyone else?
Less you (all 6 of you - I forgot my aunt Dorothy before) lose faith in me, I promise to try and populate this space with funny dating stories again some day. Although I suppose a part of me is hoping that if things go right - I might not have any future entries : ).
(Yah... right (so kidding). See you in a month or so. Love, K)