Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Octopus earrings and the blue scarf of illness

"Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back?"

June 26, 2015: It has been 15 days and it seems as if we never were. Not that it shouldn't be like that... I mean, I don't know if what is should be like, but it feels more bizarre and sad and empty than I can quite process. Was it meaningless? Who instills it with meaning? What do I mean by meaning? Does learning lessons from a thing make it meaningful? Do I really know what I learned? Did he love me? Does it matter?

But... I remember there was all that kissing and dinners and hand holding and alarm clocks and long looks and walking in the snow. There were nuzzles and laughing and time with his son and smiling and make outs and something like happiness?  And then there wasn't.

Now there is just these silver octopus earrings and the pretty blue scarf he bought me at whole foods... for my birthday... a month late... (at whole foods).  One of the earrings broke, but I wear the scarf a lot. Not sure if that is a sign of resilience or just super sad. Best not to think about it too much.  It's pretty and, for real guys, it is in no way a sign that I am actually trying to make myself sad.

Update: It's been almost a month and I feel pretty much the same as above except that it doesn't sting as much and I have stopped wearing the scarf.  There have also been dates. Well, 3 dates.  One was pretty awful (seriously too terrible to write about), one was a nice coffee date with interesting conversation but no real attraction and one really kinda great ginger bourbon beer fueled sailing adventure that seemed promising... but then fizzled out as quickly as it had begun. Le sigh.

So here I am. A few lbs lighter (thanks anxiety diet) and half feeling excited for a new start and half filled with abject terror and ever fighting the very insistent urge to run to my ex and beg him to try again so I never have to go on another date.  But I refrain from giving into that predictable instinct. I have more dates planned and a few nice, interesting people sending me funny notes on dating web sites. So, I mean, life is moving on and I am doing my very best to move with it and not give up on the idea that I might find my person and, you know, maybe something nice will happen : ).  

Shut up, it totally might.

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